I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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