Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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