it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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