you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
