Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
did i walk over a car last night?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
