We won't sleep together?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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