i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just gargled with NyQuil
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
