Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
