I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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