I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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