i'm signing you up for texting rehab
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
