I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
