dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize