i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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