I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
