Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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