I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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