I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
