Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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