So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize