Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
