wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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