85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
