My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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