you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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