I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
