He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
