Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
