Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
