i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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