So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
