I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
