she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
