Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
