please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
