That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
