get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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