There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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