and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
