You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I lost the right to judge tonight
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
