I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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