Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
