New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
