The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
