Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
