Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
3 2 1 whiskey
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize