your parents love me but you hate me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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