Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
