i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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