She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
