What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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