I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
