Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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