If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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