shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
