I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
