Where did you get a picture of my penis
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Drake has all the answers
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
