I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
