Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
